Suffering and Forgiveness

Folks, this blog is upside down. The first posts in the series, which you need to read in the order that they were written to make them comprehensible, are at the bottom of the stack. I can't seem to find any button or function that will place the oldest posts first, so forgive me for appearing a little mixed up.

In the days after I started posting these blog entries, I encountered a lot of spiritual messages from many different sources which spoke about forgiveness and renewal, even reminding me about what Jesus said, "Blessed are you when you are persecuted for My sake." This is a huge struggle for me, because I have no idea how to be happy about what was done to me by Drew and my parents. Even members of my church were involved in denigrating me; they should have rallied around to protect me from this impostor, but they were so obsessed with trying to get me married off that they didn't seem to care what kind of man Drew was, only that he seemed interested in ending my long stretch of singleness. Once people in that church found out I had ended my relationship with Drew, they were very upset with me. They wouldn't accept my explanation -- most of them wouldn't even listen to me explain -- and they all turned their backs on me.

I thought persecution was supposed to come from OUTSIDE the church, not from other church members! Maybe they were all as lost as I was back then. Maybe Drew's mouthing of all the right words was enough for them, and his lack of depth didn't trouble them because it mirrored their own. I guess they believed that it's not important to be right with God, just to LOOK LIKE you are. Jesus had a few things to say about stuff like that....

So my mission for now is to meditate on being blessed because of this past abuse. Eventually, I hope to regard myself as blessed because of it, and maybe someday I can actually feel happy about it. I know my betrayal is nothing in the face of how Jesus was betrayed, and my rejection is nothing in the face of His rejection...but it still hurts! My puny little betrayal and rejection hurt like hell.

I wish I could get answers. I wish I could ask someone to give me the details, to give me reasons why. Unless Drew shows up and explains himself, I'll have to find closure some other way.